Will She Online Date Again?

The next day, he called me. I know, shocker! But what he had to say was even more shocking. He asked me if I would go miniature golfing with him before dinner. Seemed normal enough, right? Wrong! He asked if I would go miniature golfing for his nephew’s birthday party…with the entire family. I politely declined but told him we could still go to dinner.

Wednesday had come and I was really not interested in this dinner date. While I was at work, I got an email from him. It went something like this: “I really enjoyed meeting you. I like you, I hope you like me. I’m going to St. George this weekend to see my parents. I want you to come with me.” What the what? I didn’t reply.

I met him for dinner and the conversation went a little like this:

Me: “Let’s talk about this email.”
Him: “Yes, let’s talk about it.”
Me: “It’s way too early to be meeting family. I’m not going to St. George with you.”
Him: “But you’re my girlfriend. I want my girlfriend to meet my family.”
Me: “Umm, no. I’m not your girlfriend. I just met you two days ago.”
Him: “No, we’ve been dating for 6 weeks. You’re my girlfriend, I want you to meet my family, and while we’re on the subject, it’s probably time for you to take your profile off the site.”
Me: “No. You’re not my boyfriend. I’m not meeting your family.”

Silence.

Dinner was eaten in silence. Because of the previous conversation, I had already decided that once the check came I would hand him some money to cover my dinner. The check came and before I could even get my wallet he said, “Yours comes to $12.36 (or whatever the total was).” I handed him some money and got up to walk out. He followed, but didn’t say a word. I went to my car and he went to his. Whew! I was through with the psycho!

Wrong! I got a text message while driving home. From him. “Thanks for wasting my time and toying with my emotions. I feel used. If you weren't ready to date, you shouldn't have been on that site.”

No reply. Phone number deleted.

Well, I did go home and take my profile off that site. Permanently. A couple of days later I saw President S. He asked how the online dating was going. I told him this story. His comment? “I’m sorry. I’ll never ask you to do something like that again.”

And that my friends is why I will stay clear of the online dating sites. If my husband really is out there in cyberspace, then I’m going to have to be knocked in the head with some serious divine intervention!

What Happened Online?

One day, I got a message. I checked out the profile of the gentlemen sending me a message and he seemed nice enough. He looked cute and non-psycho. So I messaged him back. Now, one thing you should know at this point. I always got really nervous when a guy wanted to meet me right away. That to me just screamed “booty call!” If I started chatting with a guy and he wanted to meet me immediately, I ended it.

This guy I was messaging had not insisted that we meet. In fact, he never brought it up. I liked that. We sent emails, then moved to instant messages after awhile, and finally after about a month I gave him my phone number. Still, there had been no actual “conversation.” Even with my phone number, he would only text me.

This had gone on for about 6 weeks. The inevitable happened and he asked if he could meet me. I was still a bit nervous to meet someone (I’d never done it before) but I thought I should meet this guy. I suggested he come to a FHE we were having in our ward. Safety in numbers, right?

The day came and he arrived SUPER early for the activity. I was hosting so I was naturally there early. The plan was to eat some snacks and to play the Wii. The second I saw him and he opened his mouth, a kind of red flag went off. I can’t quit pinpoint it, but I just knew something was off. But I also knew this was a super awkward situation. Plus, people are always weird on first dates.

We hung out, played the Wii, and had a good time. I, however, was not feeling it. Not even a little bit. The night came to a close, he left, the rest of the people left, and I returned home to get ready for bed. About 10 minutes after he left, I got a text message (again with the text messaging!) asking if I would go to dinner with him on Wednesday. I knew I wasn’t into this at all, but I figured everyone deserves a second chance. I agreed to meet him for dinner. This was Monday and the plan was to go out on Wednesday.

Was there another date? Stayed tuned for more.

Online Date from A Very Hot Place

Since I mentioned online dating in my last post, I thought I’d share the story of what I refer to as “The Online Boyfriend from Down Under”. Brace yourself, this is a doozy.

When you reach a certain station in life, you have to consider alternative methods for meeting guys. I’ve always been open to blind dates, but dud after dud and even blind dates started to get a little annoying. I work full time in an office full of married people; most of my friends from high school and college are happily married; and I go to a family ward. My options for meeting single men are, for a lack of a better word, limited.

I often got “You should try online dating.” Or my favorite, “You know, the Smiths met online and they’ve been married for 10 years now.” That’s all great and fine for the Smiths, but I was a bit reluctant to try the online dating thing. I mean, it felt a bit desperate! Like I couldn’t find a guy on my own so I had to turn to the internet! In reality, this was the truth.

At the time I was serving as the Single Adult Rep in my ward. (Sidenote: I’m so terribly sorry if you have or ever will have this calling!) The counselor in the Stake Presidency over the single adults liked to “look out” for me. We would often end up chatting after meetings, and since this was a single adult meeting, our conversations revolved around dating. Every single time we talked, he would suggest online dating. And I would laugh and shrug it off. After a few months of this I finally said, “President S. If I try online dating for 1 month, will you stop bugging me about it?” And he said yes.

So I did it. I signed up for a popular LDS dating site. At first, it wasn’t so bad. I didn’t feel guilty even a tiny bit for being selective. I knew the guys on there were being picky as well. I got lots and lots of “flirts” and “messages” from guys twice my age. I ignored those. I just kept plugging along, counting down the time until my 30 days were up. I promised one month, but I had no intention of going any longer.

Stay tuned to find out if I ever went on a date!

Things Never to Say to a Single Woman

I've had my fair share of strange comments made to me throughout my life. Most of those comments are about being single. Here's a list of my favorites!

- You're so pretty. Why aren't you married?
Well, because apparently only ugly people are getting married nowdays.

- From grandma: Don't be so picky!
Jen: Grandma, I saw a homeless man down on the corner. Would you like me to go marry him?
Grandma: Well, he needs a home.
You're right grandma, I am being too picky!

- He's just intimidated by you.
Sure he is! I mean, who wouldn't want an awesome, talented, beautiful, semi-successful woman!

- You should save at least one semester before you graduate so you can find a husband.
Umm, OK. Not!

- The timing is just off.
Hold please, I need to go check the time.

- Why aren't you married?
If I knew why, do you really think I'd still be single right now?

- Just have fun!
Thank you for the advice. How old were you when you got married? 23? That's right.

- Heavenly Father will take care of it.
Yes, this I know. Still doesn't make it any easier. Especially when you say it from the church pulpit, 3 times in a row!

- You should try online dating.
Been there, done that. Would you like to hear the story about the guy that wanted me to meet his parents after one date?

Older Single Men

I didn't write this, but I do not know where I got it. I found it years ago and saved it. Thought it was time to share.

This is dedicated to the single women in my life. You know the women I'm talking about. They're smart, successful, normal, kind, talented, gorgeous, funny, independent, and practically perfect in every way.

The thing is that I've finally had it. I've had it with older single men everywhere. Don't get me wrong. I'm not bitter or jealous or sour and I don't want to come across that way. I love men. I love the way they look, the way they smell, and their generally endearing quirks. I just think it's time for single, independent, and fabulous women everywhere to stand up and be heard. Based upon my detailed analysis and years of research--99% of single men between the ages of 27 and 100 are missing something. Some have lost their confidence while others have lost their humility. Some don't care anymore and some care too much. Some have been mixed up with scary women. There is a fine line to be walked when one reaches this age range without a significant other.

I think, in general, they just freeze up. They don't know how to handle women. To ask one out on a simple date seems like a commitment. Not only that, but they become SUPER particular. It's not uncommon for a man to go out with a woman once and then immediately find the proverbial "TOO" excuse. She's TOO tall; TOO independent; TOO high maintenance; TOO quiet; TOO churchy; TOO needy. OR the proverbial "NOT. . .ENOUGH" excuses. She's not spiritual enough; smart enough; skinny enough; animated enough; kind enough; pretty enough; motivated enough. Granted, in some cases, these are legitimate claims. Unfortunately, I think the average OSM (older single man) is looking for weaknesses. He's looking for excuses not to ask her out again. He's looking for a WAY OUT. He's scared and the more this cycle of avoidance continues, the more introverted and complacent the man becomes. He doesn't feel bad when the weekend passes without a date. He prefers Sportscenter to hitting a movie with a blind date. He would rather "hang out" with friends than ask someone to dinner.

When will OSM realize that there is a sizeable gap between what they're looking for and what they need? I'm not saying women are perfect. In fact, I know that we're far from it. Some of us are down right ridiculous and even SCARY. I hope those women are the minority--for the sake of OSM everywhere. The reality is that OSM are missing out on the amazing majority. They are missing having someone who always cares. They're missing a second opinion, a companion, home cooked meals, children, faith, hair in the bathroom, in-laws, clean sheets on the bed, laughter. . .someone to grow old with.

So, as an OSW offering advice to OSM (take it or leave it), let me simply say--take a deep breath and get back on the old dating horse. I guarantee that if you'll open your eyes a little bit wider and take a few more risks, you'll be sleeping with someone in clean sheets very soon.

Creating Your Own Plan B

Now, don't get me wrong. I love the LDS Church; I whole-heartedly believe in the teachings and the blessings of the gospel. I'm in this for life (and beyond) but the culture that surrounds our beautiful religion can sometimes be, well, annoying. I decided I was going to fight against the cultural norms.

Here I was, 26 years old, working full-time, with most of my high school and college friends starting their families. I felt like I was in a rut. There was a nagging need to continue my education, to get a master’s degree, but I had no idea what in. I was torn—should I continue my education or should I put all my energy into trying to find a husband? With a lot of praying, preparation, and contemplation, I had discovered what my Plan B was. Plan B was not a one-size-fits-all plan. It was a plan only I could fulfill.

Plan B is different for everyone. For me, Plan B was to continue my education. To others, Plan B may be to advance their careers, to seek out meaningful personal relationships, or maybe it’s a combination of plans. There’s no one Plan B for everyone. Too many young women sit around and wait for their “Prince Charming” to show up on their doorstep. Simply waiting around is not the answer. You won’t feel better about yourself and you certainly won’t be attractive to other people. Here are some tips and suggestions for creating a Plan B:

1. Get an education: President Hinckley counseled and the other general authorities have counseled young men and women to get an education. In 2001, in a message to young adults, President Hinckley said, “You are moving into the most competitive age the world has ever known. All around you is competition. You need all the education you can get. Sacrifice a car; sacrifice anything that is needed to be sacrificed to qualify yourselves to do the work of the world. That world will in large measure pay you what it thinks you are worth, and your worth will increase as you gain education and proficiency in your chosen field. You belong to a church that teaches the importance of education. You have a mandate from the Lord to educate your minds and your hearts and your hands.”

2. Take care of yourself: Eat healthy, exercise, and take pride in your appearance. When you feel good about yourself, you’ll feel better about the world you live in.

3. Find a fulfilling job: Find something you like to do and commit to doing it well.

4. Volunteer: Service is the one sure way to feel better about the situation you are in. It doesn’t matter how down you are on yourself, you can always find someone in a worse condition.

5. Grow in the gospel: Continue to growing spiritually and live the commandments. You will be blessed for doing the things that the Lord asks of you.

6. Trust Heavenly Father: This is by far the hardest thing for me to do. It’s hard for me to trust that things will work out the way they should. It’s hard for me to understand the Lord’s plan for me, especially when his timetable does not meet up with mine. But trust we must do.

It would be nice if I could end this series on Plan B by telling you I did all of these things and I found a worthy priesthood holder. It would be nice, but it’s not true. I’m still single, now nearing 34 years old, and I’ve never been happier. By following the counsel of the prophets and earnestly approaching my Heavenly Father in prayer, I’ve been able to find peace in my life. I’ve been able to trust that one day all things will be in order. I’ve been able to find my Plan B.

More on Plan B

I was just like every other girl born and raised in the gospel. I felt blessed to have the truth in my life and I took full advantage of the wonderful opportunities the gospel provided to me. After high school graduation, I went to BYU in pursuit of higher education, and hopefully, that one returned missionary I’ve been told about my entire life.

I loved BYU. I enjoyed my time with roommates and the education I was receiving. I found myself involved in social circles that reflected the values I’d been taught my entire life and I loved learning and growing in ways I didn’t know were possible. I was progressing spiritually, emotionally, and intellectually. I thought this was the best time of my life. I couldn’t imagine being any happier than I was during that time in my life.

I had my share of suitors. I dated—a lot. Some of those dates even turned into relationships. For one reason or another, those relationships were short lived—the longest being about four months. I was young and I was having fun so the length of these relationships never bothered me. At least not until graduation day. I was 22 years old and receiving my bachelor’s degree. I wasn’t married; in fact, I had just ended one of the many short-term relationships. It was a strange feeling to know I was leaving BYU without a husband, yet I felt so liberated and new. Twenty-two years old was so young and I had the entire world at my finger tips. With my college degree in hand, I was ready to start a career. Yet even at that young age, I felt I should have been married. That instead of starting a career, I should be starting a family. It was a bitter-sweet day for me. I was moving on to a new chapter of life, but was this the right chapter to be moving onto?

The mixed emotions were a result of the culture I was surrounded by. Many wondered if I’d ever find a husband outside of BYU and what was my plan for the future. I admit, I asked myself those same questions.

But life went on. I found myself working full-time and progressing in different ways than I ever imagined I could while I was in college. I enjoyed my life, yet my culture was telling me something was missing, that something was wrong with my life. You don’t have to look far in Utah County to be reminded that husbands, eternal marriages, and a family of your own are the center of the culture. There are reminders of this everywhere I look. At church, there’s the perfect little family sitting in front of me. At the grocery store is the young mother with her toddler. And even in my own social circles. My friends from high school and college were all progressing in this part of their life. Some of them had even been married for 10 years with a couple of kids. I felt that something was wrong with me. I wasn’t married, I didn’t have children—something had to be wrong with me. At least that’s what I was being told. By this point, I was in my mid-20s and the reality of my life hit.